Swollen

So, I woke up this morning with super, duper swollen eyes. See, when I cry a good cry before I go to bed, my eyes swell up like someone punched me in my sleep. Why I was crying? Well, I attempted to really force the idea that I want to be a SAHM, but it seems "we can't do it" on his income alone. I don't understand. I mean, we only have one car payment, one rinky-dinky house and some bills here and there. We aren't really in debt, well, except for the huge student loan that seems to go on forever and ever. I really tried hard to get the point across how guilty I feel for putting the little guy into daycare, and I just started crying. I mean, one of the girls at daycare tells me stories of how they see babies first steps, but they don't want to tell the parents because then they'll be upset they missed it.

I'll be upset if I miss those first steps - that's a huge milestone! Like turning over!

I just kept crying and crying - I'm not sure if I made an impression or if I just looked like a fool. I told him I feel like a failure as a mommy for taking him to that place everyday.

But, in the end, it's still the same - business as usual.

And I'm still sad. Sad for Monday when I have to drop him off again at that place.

But happy that it's Friday and I can spend all weekend with him! Until Monday....

The torture

So, almost every day I listen to this radio show (which shall go nameless) online - I think just to torture myself. Every caller is from a Mom of some sort with some sort of question about their significant other, or some random kiddo problems. I like to listen to the hostesses really get on the people about what they do wrong. But, she is pretty old-fashioned. She believes that women must cater to their husbands and without giving the raido show totally away, she is just very *down* on women who put their kids in daycare. So, I listen to this show, and I beat myself up every day for putting my little guy in daycare. Even though I am so *not* old-fashioned, there is a huge part of me that wants to stay home and raise my little man. I have hinted incessantly that I want to quit my job and be a SAHM, but to no avail. So, the radio host goes on and on about how crappy of a mother I am for putting my boy into daycare and how I'm just shuffling him off and someone else is raising him, but how do I just up and quit my job? Tell me!

How much money should your significant other make in order for one to be a SAHM? What do you need to cut out? What do you need to do? I mean, I'll go back to work when he goes to school, but that first day when I had to drop him off at daycare, he was only 6 weeks old! That is the minimum age that they'll take infants at daycare, and I thought that my stupid job was more important than dropping him off at a baby factory?

My mom tells me to get over it and that everyone does it and babies don't remember. But I do. And I think about it all day long until the minute I can check out of work and speed over there and pick him up.

WW

Happy baby! Happy WW.

So, I had this grand idea at lunch today that I was going to detail my pregnancy and delivery experience since I've read so many of them out there. Not necessarily that anyone wants to read it, but I think one day my baby might like to read the whole experience. And, it will be kinda cool to see in a few years after i've lost all the memories because my brain will be inundated with toddler issues like potty training and getting dirty and whatnot. But, then I got really busy and didn't have any time to start it. So, this is going to be a project for the weekend.

It's currently raining outside and that means my commute home is going to take twice as long. Bummer. I really want to be sitting in front of my fireplace with a cocktail and the two boys in my life! Soon enough...

Sleep

So, the worlds were colliding last night. Here's the breakdown:

• Baby woke up every 2 hours
• A nice thunderstorm rolled in around midnight
• The dog was licking herself in the loudest possible fashion, keeping me from getting to sleep
• After 45 minutes of trying to get to sleep at 3:30, I had to go pee
• Alarm went off way too early at 6:40 and had a headache when I got into the shower

So, that was a fun night. I'm looking forward to a better night's sleep tonight.

I'm really not complaining though, the baby has been so good about sleeping, he's like a clock. In the beginning, we had to wake him up to eat, now he gets up twice a night. Something was off with him last night, though. He went to sleep about 7:30 and then woke up at about 8:15 in a frantic cry. Not sure why, I think he had a bad dream. Poor little guy.

Little did I know that it was a premonition for what the night would hold. For some reason I had a very hard time getting back to sleep. Maybe I'll try some Tylenol PM tonight. Or maybe a few glasses of wine while I watch Sawyer on Lost! ;)

Drink - wordless wednesday

Pinch

Ok, so I slept on my shoulder/neck totally wrong last night and it is hurting like crazy today! It was kindof hard to get to work and look at all the traffic without it hurting. Luckily there weren't too many people out on the road because of the holiday.

The weekend was fun, spent lots of time with friends and yesterday we had a good family day. We just walked around an outside mall and then went out to lunch. The baby wants to watch everything! He hates being confined in his carseat these days. He is always trying to sit up in it - it is so cute! He's getting so big so fast, it's kindof crazy!

I'm off to the baby store to get more diapers.

Saying goodbye

So, I sent a huge package of newborn items to my sister-in-law this week. And you know what, it was really, really hard to send them away. There is a little part of me that really misses my baby being a little tiny baby, and sending all that stuff away makes me kindof sad. I put a little disclaimer in the box asking that they not get rid of any of the super tiny onesies or the little head holder for the carseat because i'm ready to have another one! I never thought i'd be into having kids and was really scared when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be a good Mom. But now, I cherish my little boy and am trying to be the best mom I can! I can't wait to be pregnant again and to feel those little kicks in my belly. I can't wait until that big day when we find out if it is a boy or a girl. I can't wait for more ultrasounds and more prenatal vitamins. I know, I'm kinda sick...

What a ride

Ok, so I haven't been so good about writing lately, but things have been very crazy for us lately. We went to New Hampshire to go on a long weekend fishing trip and my husband ended up with a 4-wheeler on his chest. He had to hitch a ride in the ambulance to the local hospital where he ended up with 6 broken ribs, a pneumothorax (air in his lungs), a knicked kidney and a ton of stitches in his ear. It was terrible, he was in ICU for almost 7 days. I extended my time out there for 2 extra days but then we decided it would be best for me to get the baby home and get back to my job. He is actually on short-term disability right now because he can't work. Well, he can't even get home either! He isn't allowed to fly until the 19th (that's 14 more days!). So, he is going to take a train. I've been bummed that he hasn't been here for a while, especially to help with the baby, but he needs to get well, and, he can't even pick up the baby anyway.

So, I'm still waiting to see what his plans are for traveling.

In the meantime, I'm just working and carting the baby around and taking pictures of him. I especially like this one.